Advice for President-Elect Obama: Take Credit for Everything
In my new role as advisor to President-Elect Barack Obama, it is my duty to provide the best advice I can. The goal of this advice is to elevate the new President and the Democrat Party. I really wish my advice could be for the betterment of the United States and their citicens, but too often those two goals are mutually exclusive.
Today’s advice is this. Take credit for anything good that happens during your presidency. Add to that the following corollary. Give blame for anything bad to George Bush and the Republicans.
On its face, this advice seems pretty simple. After all, if the jobless rate falls, You can take credit for it during your term. If the economy improves, you can take credit for it. This, though, isn’t quite to the level that I mean.
When I say “take credit for everything,” I mean EVERYTHING. As the new messiah, it is important that everything good that happens in the world be credited to you, Mr. President-Elect. This means, if a research laboratory attached to NC State University discovers a way to convery spent uranium into non-radioactive, non-toxic, and rather tasty chocolate treats, you have to announce it from the White House.
If medical science somehow proves, once and for all, that a child in the womb is merely a mass of cells up until the moment it is delivered into the air and becomes a human life, you have to announce it from the White House.
When the truth starts to become clear about how the Earth has been cooling since 1998, thus placing us in a period of “global cooling,” you have to annouce it in the White House. I suggest using words like, “Due to my policies of carbon-dioxide reduction, a move to more fuel-efficient transportation, and increased regulation of industrial pollutants, we have turned the tide against the global warming threat.” Don’t harp too much on how the cooling started two presidencies ago, or how the actual climate scientists would never actually conclude that carbon dioxide caused global warming. Don’t say anything about how global average measured temperatures rose at a rate that could be explained by the closure of measuring stations in colder regions such as Siberia. Just leave the truth out of it. If the people wanted truth they’d have elected… well, I’m not sure who they’d have elected this time, but it wouldn’t have been a Democrat.
At any rate, you have to take credit for any good news (meaning cooling in this case, which may not be better than warming overall) that happens. It’s your job as the new messiah. You just can’t go letting people believe that the old messiah’s Dad had anything to do with it.
The people are looking to you, Mr. President-Elect, to BE that new messiah. YOU have to be the source of all that is good in this world. YOU have to make the rose garden speech announcing new technological innovations from IBM. YOU have to speak from the oval office if science ever finds a single, solitary use for embryonic stem cells after all these years of trying. YOU announce the results of scientific studies that have gone on for years, if they publish during your presidency. YOU announce that GSK or Merck have discovered a new treatment for cancer, after decades of research. Heck, if you can announce that Baby Jessica has been rescued from the well, do it.
Don’t let the fact that the work on these things has gone on for years, or even been completed for a decade or more. Annouce them as if YOU were the visionary who made it happen.
You’re going to need a short press conference (no questions from the gallery) every weekday for four years to say something positive. How you handle these daily briefings will determine if you get another four years.
Oh, and the bad news? Either ignore it, release it on a Friday afternoon (after 3:30 means missing Limbaugh and the deadline for the 6pm evening newscasts) or blame the Republicans.
I know you can do this. It’s so important that you do this. You have an image to maintain. That’s more important than the economy, or the country, or those little people clinging to guns and faith. It’s more important than the police officers you had removed from your sight while they protected you during the campaign. It’s important, because without the image you are nothing. Without the image, you have no power. Your image got you elected, and it’s your image that can get you re-elected. Protect and enhance that image, and you get to grow, and keep your power.
Hey, if you can handle this advice properly, yesterday’s advice on the middle-class tax cut should be easy enough to handle.
Daniel 11:36-37
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