I know you say they’re comfortable, though I can’t understand how that can be true. I just can’t support your choice to wear a thong. It’s not that you don’t have a nice butt. It’s just that thongs only really work on about 5% of butts out there, and yours isn’t one of them. Yes, I know you think you look great in a thong. You don’t. That girl in the magazine looks GREAT in a thong, but not you. That girl in the magazine is one of a tiny minority whose butt looks so great in a thong that she makes a living looking good in a thong. You aren’t.

I realize that these may seem like harsh words. Lots of people could have told you this, but it was left to me. I hope, now that I’ve broken the ice, that more of your friends will tell you how your thong-wearing has negatively affected their lives. Perhaps now, they will be able to face their own great white whail-tail.

Oh, that reminds me. The whale-tail issue only really comes up because you’re wearing hip-hugger jeans and a shirt that shows your belly. You really should avoid both of those. They work together with the thong to create an illusion of a car’s dipstick, and nobody wants to check those levels.

Okay, that may have been too harsh. Maybe someone WOULD want to… I mean… it’s not that you…wait. Let’s arbitrarily assign a value to your appearance. Let’s say you’re a 5. The top shows what should hide. The bottom shows enough that I can determine sanitation habits with a flashlight. The thong doesn’t so much cover at all as much as it makes one wonder if there’s a flashlight on the end of that string. You’re losing points left and right. If you aren’t at least a 9 already, you end up a two so fast your head will spin.

Then there’s the belly piercing. Really? You thought that would look good? Again, this look works for some people. Most of them spend their days on “movie sets” and to be honest, any little piece of jewelry they can use… anyway, they’re not you. You’re not them. You don’t need the pornstar belly-ring, or for that matter the tongue-ring.

There’s pretty much only reason to get a tongue-piercing. It’s for the sexual gratification of someone else. If that’s what you want, that’s your choice. I’m not going to judge your lifestyle choice. They don’t look good, they make you talk funny, they can cause tooth damage, and… ick. I don’t mind judging whether I have negative physical reactions to the clickety-clack sounds when you speak. I still don’t really know who Ktkeetm Tktartdashtshtiant is.

Ick on that nose-piercing, by the way. It’s small, and tasteful, and rather well done considering some of your other choices. I’ve seen worse. Still, though, every time you’re near and I need to sneeze, my brain starts conjuring elaborate fountain effects in a most interesting shade of green.

The tattoo is tasteful as well. This one, not the one we saw when my friend had a flashlight in his pocket. I hope you’ll make the right decision about the stripper-tat you are considering.

In fact, I think you can save money on the stripper-tat if you’ll just make the right decision. The one decision that can truly improve your life. You’ll have better friends. You’ll have an improved love life. Opportunities previously closed to you will open. You will be better. Just make that one, key decision.

Lose the thong.