May 1, 2008
Genesis, Chapter 1 from the LOLCat Bible
From the LOLCat Bible Translation Project
What's an LOLCat? See I Can Has Cheezburger.
1 Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem.
2 Da Urfs no had shapez An haded dark face, An Ceiling Cat rode invisible bike over teh waterz.
3 At start, no has lyte. An Ceiling Cat sayz, i can haz lite? An lite wuz.4 An Ceiling Cat sawed teh lite, to seez stuffs, An splitted teh lite from dark but taht wuz ok cuz kittehs can see in teh dark An not tripz over nethin.5 An Ceiling Cat sayed light Day An dark no Day. It were FURST!!!1
6 An Ceiling Cat sayed, im in ur waterz makin a ceiling. But he no yet make a ur. An he maded a hole in teh Ceiling.7 An Ceiling Cat doed teh skiez with waterz down An waterz up. It happen.8 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has teh firmmint wich iz funny bibel naim 4 ceiling, so wuz teh twoth day.
9 An Ceiling Cat gotted all teh waterz in ur base, An Ceiling Cat hadz dry placez cuz kittehs DO NOT WANT get wet.10 An Ceiling Cat called no waterz urth and waters oshun. Iz good.
11 An Ceiling Cat sayed, DO WANT grass! so tehr wuz seedz An stufs, An fruitzors An vegbatels. An a Corm. It happen.12 An Ceiling Cat sawed that weedz ish good, so, letz there be weedz.13 An so teh threeth day jazzhands.
14 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has lightz in the skiez for splittin day An no day.15 It happen, lights everwear, like christmass, srsly.16 An Ceiling Cat doeth two grate lightz, teh most big for day, teh other for no day.17 An Ceiling Cat screw tehm on skiez, with big nails An stuff, to lite teh Urfs.18 An tehy rulez day An night. Ceiling Cat sawed. Iz good.19 An so teh furth day w00t.
20 An Ceiling Cat sayed, waterz bring me phishes, An burds, so kittehs can eat dem. But Ceiling Cat no eated dem.21 An Ceiling Cat maed big fishies An see monstrs, which wuz like big cows, except they no mood, An other stuffs dat mooves, An Ceiling Cat sawed iz good.22 An Ceiling Cat sed O hai, make bebehs kthx. An dont worry i wont watch u secksy, i not that kynd uf kitteh.23 An so teh...fith day. Ceiling Cat taek a wile 2 cawnt.
24 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has MOAR living stuff, mooes, An creepie tings, An otehr aminals. It happen so tehre.25 An Ceiling Cat doed moar living stuff, mooes, An creepies, An otehr animuls, An did not eated tehm.
26 An Ceiling Cat sayed, letz us do peeps like uz, becuz we ish teh qte, An let min p0wnz0r becuz tehy has can openers.
27 So Ceiling Cat createded teh peeps taht waz like him, can has can openers he maed tehm, min An womin wuz maeded, but he did not eated tehm.
28 An Ceiling Cat sed them O hai maek bebehs kthx, An p0wn teh waterz, no waterz An teh firmmint, An evry stufs.
29 An Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt, the Urfs, I has it, An I has not eated it.30 For evry createded stufs tehre are the fuudz, to the burdies, teh creepiez, An teh mooes, so tehre. It happen. Iz good.
31 An Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt, teh good enouf for releaze as version 0.8a. kthxbai.
Posted by Lockjaw at 8:24 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
January 12, 2006
Reality Follows the Dave Chappelle Show
Meet Ron Stallworth, the black klansman.
"About 25 years ago, Ron Stallworth was asked to lead the Ku Klux Klan chapter in Colorado Springs. Brian Nicholson, Deseret Morning NewsRon Stallworth carries his KKK membership card as a memento. Problem was, the outgoing Klan leader didn't know that Stallworth is black."
Note that this is not this black klansman, or this black klansman or this potential black klansman.
Posted by Lockjaw at 10:55 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
January 9, 2006
Lose the Beer Belly
It was one of those funny commercial shows. You know the ones. The network decides to make an easy buck by making a whole hour-long show that is nothing but funny commercials. One commercial stuck in the minds of my wife and I for a few years, now, and I just located the video. Thanks, Google Video.
Posted by Lockjaw at 9:08 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
January 5, 2006
Blonde Joke
It's been a while since I've heard a blonde joke this good.
Posted by Lockjaw at 8:10 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
January 3, 2006
Letters Home from Terrorist Youth Camp
Want a laugh? Read these letters home from kids at Terrorist Camp.
Posted by Lockjaw at 10:43 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
December 11, 2005
(The Other) Ogre Fisks Code Pink
As some of you may know, I'm not the only Ogre in the blogosphere. You might say we have our own Ogresphere. Of course, I'm the ogre with a name. He's just Ogre.
Anyway, Ogre had a bit of fun fisking Code Pink's anti-war-toy flyer. It's a hoot.
Yeah, I'm semi-anti-toy-gun myself. Instead of buy a kid a toy gun, why not buy them a REAL gun instead? After all, it's hard to teach a kid to never point a gun at anyone unless you plan on killing them dead, while you hand them a harmless piece of plastic or wood. Give them a real gun, and they'll understand WHY you never point it at anyone. At the same time, you get to teach them personal responsibility, firearm safety, personal safety, and self-control (not gun control).
I'd suggest a nice bolt-action .22 rifle as a starter weapon starting somewhere between age 8 and 12. At 13 you can move them up into the semi-automatic or a .420 shotgun. They'll want to have some experience before they get their 12ga at 16 and their very own Glock 9mm at 18 or 21.
Posted by Lockjaw at 4:03 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
November 15, 2005
BOTW Quote Re: Al Qaeda in Iraq
Zarqawi is the head of al Qaeda in Iraq, or, as the Democrats call it, al Qaeda Which Has Nothing to Do With Iraq in Iraq Which Has Nothing to Do With al Qaeda. Some news organizations have taken to calling AQII "al Qaeda in Mesopotamia," apparently counting on their readers' being too ignorant to know Mesopotamia is "Iraq" in Greek.
From Opinion Journal's Best of the Web.
Posted by Lockjaw at 6:12 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
October 27, 2005
How Much is In That Thing?
How much beer is in a keg? How much space is in a cargo container? How much toothpaste is in a tube? Cockeyed.com aims to find out. It isn't so much about the answer, as it is about arriving at the answer. What's the best way to measure how many cups of beer is in a keg? You throw a party! Great site, and this is only part of it. Waste a few hours reading this one.
Posted by Lockjaw at 10:28 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
October 6, 2005
Freudian Slip of the Moment
Heard on Rush Limbaugh earlier today: Someone on the Chris Matthews show on MSNBC (I think. I actually never watch the tripe.) referred to the possibility of Bush using attorney-client priviledge in the Miers nomination to protect some documents as "hide the salami."
No, that was Clinton.
[UPDATE] This is rich. As if it wasn't funny enough already, the mental lightweight who made the statement was Howard Dean.
Posted by Lockjaw at 4:04 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
August 16, 2005
Russian Cows to be Fed Marijuana
According to this MSNBC story, Russian cows are going to be fed marijuana over the Winter. I should note here that I am NOT keeping a straight face as I write this.
The Cows are the latest victims of the drug war in Russia. Marijuana crops were planted among the corn and sunflower crops, which are used as feed for the cattle. In order to get rid of the marijuana, they had to destroy the feed crops. No feed crops, no winter feed. That's bad. They're going to feed the confiscated marijuana to the cows.
Okay, here's my two important questions for you. 1) If they could save the marijuana, why did they have to destroy the feed crops? 2) How much money would you pay to sit and watch that herd for an hour?
moo?
Posted by Lockjaw at 6:46 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
July 7, 2005
I Want My "Club Gitmo" T-Shirt
You can add this to my wishlist. It's the jumpsuit orange "Club Gitmo" T-Shirt from Rush Limbaugh. Club G'itmo logo on front. "Your Tropical Retreat from the Stress of Jihad" emblazoned on back. I like it even more than the "What happens in Gitmo stays in Gitmo" version. I also quite like the hat, though I'm much more attached to my Lowes Motor Speedway American Flag hat. The "Jihad Java" coffee mug would go nicely alongside my Watergate Hotel cup, too.
Mmmmmmm, rice pilaf, *drool*.
Posted by Lockjaw at 6:25 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
June 17, 2005
Funny Newsmax Error
Posted by Lockjaw at 1:30 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
May 1, 2005
One eBay Auction You Don't Want To Miss Payment On
My friend Doug, down in Texas, is auctioning a copy of Max Headroom's Guide to Life. If you're looking for an odd piece of '80s memorabilia, this one might be for you. If you win the bidding, though, you'd better pay up. Down toward the bottom of the page, you'll find these payment terms.
"Payment due in 7 days or hordes of the undead will rise and slay you. You will also be subject to legions of demons with firey, hot pokers. Eventually your festering corpse will receive a negative and have a Final Value Fee mark on your eBay record. Oh, and we'll tell your mom, too. You will be sorry when your dad gets home, believe me."
Posted by Lockjaw at 8:52 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
April 28, 2005
Joke Gets Man Killed Seven Years Later
I'm putting this in the "Funny Stuff" category, but I probably shouldn't. William Berkeyheiser answered the door and was shot dead. Why? Apparently, he told a joke to Stanford Douglas that Douglas thought was racially insensitive. It bothered Douglas so much that he tracked Berkeyheiser down to his home and killed him seven years after the initial incident. This poor sap really couldn't take a joke, could he?
The story is here. I found it through Insane Troll Logic.
Posted by Lockjaw at 12:56 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
April 25, 2005
Anti-Minuteman Hunger-Strike
Thanks to Dave Barry for pointing out this image of a woman who has decided to go on a hunger strike to protest the Minutemen's border-guarding efforts. Maybe I should have put scare quotes around "hunger strike." Sounds to me like she's found a cheap excuse to go on a diet.
[UPDATE: Welcome Polipundit readers.]
Posted by Lockjaw at 11:51 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack
April 22, 2005
Fake Romance Book Covers
For those of you new to my lair, until recently I operated a used bookstore. I had an inventory of approximately 30,000 titles, and at least 15,000 of those were romance. As such, I've seen almost all of the original books that these spoofs are spoofing. I laughed out loud through the whole thing. My favorites were, "Join My Cult Please," "MerFarts," and "Chili Supper for Satan." During the entire time I ran the bookstore, I only read one romance book. If I had gotten a copy of "The Deflowering of Marie Osmond," though, it might have been two.
Posted by Lockjaw at 1:58 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Apple Employees Refused to Quit
In August 1993, Apple stopped development of Graphing Calculator software. Two engineers on the project were laid off, but finding they still had access to the building, they continued to work on the project for free. What follows is a fantastic story of an underground development team and non-existent project that shipped on millions of Macs.
"In September, Apple Facilities tried to move people into our officially empty offices. They noticed us. The Facilities woman assumed that I had merely changed projects and had not yet moved to my new group, something that happened all the time. She asked what group I worked in, since it would be that group's responsibility to find me space. When I told her the truth, she was not amused. She called Security, had them cancel our badges, and told us in no uncertain terms to leave the premises."
That's not even halfway through the story. It's good reading.
Posted by Lockjaw at 12:58 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Anomoly on the USS Walke DD-723
The Allen M. Sumner class destroyer USS Walke, DD-723 was somewhere in the Pacific Ocean performing a drill. In this drill, the gyrocompass was covered, and all navigation was done using the magnetic compass. During the drill, the captain was not on deck. The crew was to navigate for a period of time using only the magnetic compass.
The drill had been going on for some time when suddenly, the compass swung wildly toward starboard. The crew scrambled to correct course to match the compass heading, but the compass didn't move. Shortly, the compass swung wildly to port. The crew again attempted in vain to correct by turning to port. After a short time, the compass returned to normal, allowing the crew to correct course. The Captain, understandably upset about the wild turns in what was supposed to be a straight-course navigation, flew onto the bridge wanting to know what was wrong.
No answer to the anamoly was forthcoming. Of course, I know exactly what happened. A pocketknife had been placed next to the compass. When the ship began to swing to starboard, the knife was moved to the port side of the compass. After a swing to port, the knife was removed again, completely unknown to the bridge crew, but for one man. That man was the culprit, Billy Walker, my dad.
Happy Veteran's Day.
[UPDATE] Some details corrected
Posted by Lockjaw at 12:26 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack